If you spend any time around the environment of addiction a a result of your partner, from researching to groups to therapy, you may have come across the term "codependency".
And if you are like me, you may have asked yourself, "Do I have codependency?"
And that can be a stressful question to ask yourself. Spend any time researching or have someone suggest that you have it and you you'll know that it's definitely not something you want to have, and that can make a chaotic and challenging situation even worse.
And I get it.
I used to think that the whole topic of codependency was a much bigger deal than it actually was, but over time I realized it’s not the scary, dreaded disorder I always thought it was.
Codependency is defined as “dependence on the needs of or control by another”, and it also describes people experiencing it as “having good intentions, and are people who try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating.”
Some other characteristics include:
-An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
-A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
-A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to "love" people they can pity and rescue
-An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
And so on.
The reason I don’t think of it as such a big deal anymore, though, is because while of course there are people who experience it more..."fully", I think a lot of people hear this term and how it’s blanketed over anyone who knows an addict and think they’re afflicted with something terrible, and that may not even apply to them. And also, the characteristics described could apply to a variety of possible issues, which can be worked on without labeling it as codependency.
To me, in my case, I did experience some of the many characteristics of codependency, but once I found out about it and discovered the label, it became a much bigger part of my problem than it should have been.
For the topic of codependency, like with so many things in life, I think it’s a spectrum of experiences as opposed to a yes or no answer in if you have it.
For instance, while I definitely enabled and had issues with boundaries, I didn’t have a one sided relationship with someone abusive or allow the using to continue to keep them around (I was always an advocate for getting clean/seeking treatment of some kind). And on the other sides, there are people who do more extreme actions and have much more of a difficult time, and there are those who don’t have issues with drawing their lines in the sand at all. Which is why I say it can be a spectrum of experiences.
I’ve made a TikTok video about this before where I discussed that while it’s good to learn about issues you may have or ways to improve a particular experience you’re having, it's important to note that you should be aware to not over intellectualize or use labels to gain identity from them.
Like take this quote from mental health america: “Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person's childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns.”
I’m not arguing that whatever research found this to be true is wrong, I’m just saying that I was the kind of person who would over analyze info like this in relation to my life and would often times find problems that weren’t actually there.
I’d spend way too much time trying to find the childhood event that occurred to make me like this that I’d avoid working on the current issues themselves, and nothing would get done to actually improve my life.
So instead, I think that no matter where you are in your experience, it’s important to work through and out to improve, with things you are currently going through.
Take the necessary steps to focus on what you need to feel healthier and stronger, work on self care activities to do things you enjoy and that allow you to be independent and focused on you, and seek more help if needed, such as working with a therapist.
And no matter how intense your experience with codependency (or similar afflictions) is, I believe you can have a healthy and fulfilling life, as long as you do the work and focus on you first.
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