While I’m not as habitual with my TikTok account as I used to be, I am still on there a bit, and as such have the opportunity to see and respond to questions, comments, and messages from others who are dealing with their partner’s addiction issues.
One such question is as follows, and it’s one I’m sure many people have had before (myself included):
“Is it okay to tell him you mad and sad? Because he relapsed and kept it a secret you still love him and will be there but why wasn't he honest”
And it’s easy to see why. It can be confusing-do we share how we feel? Will it make things worse? Will our partners understand? Etc
But I’ve come to realize that in the case of an addicted partner (or really any situation this might arise in), that it’s alright to share your feelings, as long as you aren't doing so in order to guilt/ shame/hurt/etc or use it as a method to try and control. This is where you can get the ultimatums, guilt trips, and emotional coercion that is often put under the umbrella of “tough love”. And while this “method” (while maybe spun as being a little more helpful) is very commonly known, it’s definitely not the healthiest way to go, for you or your partner.
In my case, I now know and feel the difference between when I'm “sharing” to release my inner tension and hurt my partner so he feels as hurt as I am, and when I'm doing so to communicate and feel understood.
And this is yet another case where putting yourself first comes in very handy. When you focus on yourself, you'll get to a place where you aren’t as emotionally distraught, and when you get that stable, healthy clarity you’ll be able to identify what’s going on inside.
And note, I said identify. This is not some magic method where you never have uncomfortable emotions or feelings. No such thing really exists (I would know, I’ve looked). And trust me, you wouldn’t want it to anyways. Life is about experiencing and learning and growing, and in order to do that, we need to have a variety of emotions to lead us through it.
Putting yourself first allows you to see the emotion, identify what’s happening, and allow yourself to work through it with the tools you’ve gained so that you can have a healthier life overall, and healthier relationships either everyone in your environment, not just your partner.
Pretty cool, huh?
If you have any questions of your own, let me know by commenting here, on a social media platform you find me on, or sending over an email.
I’m here for you, because I know what it’s like.
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