I was always a good planner. I like being organized, having a spot for everything, making sure everything that needs to be scheduled is done so on time and with time to spare. It’s one of the reasons I like my job so much (well, that and the fact that I work for my family which is pretty nice).
Even during the unknown times with his active using or when things were just not going well, I used my routine and scheduling to keep myself on track and provide some regularity to my upside-down and uncomfortable world.
Now, however, I am in completely unknown territory with his sobriety and all that comes with that, and one of my new challenges is planning a wedding.
Before I was in the place in life that I am today, I would have never said it was “courageous” to plan a wedding. Exciting, sure. Stressful, yeah maybe. But not courageous. What is there to be brave with?
Well, we have been engaged for 5 years and a few months, and during that time, it went from extreme excitement, to doubt, to embarrassment, to hope, to fear, to anger, and every emotion on the spectrum in between.
Now, it appears we have arrived at hope again, and while it’s refreshing, it’s also very, very, scary.
Haven’t I been here before? Haven’t I thought everything was going to finally work out and go well and then had to watch it crash and burn right in front of my eyes while everyone I knew stared and told me how sorry they were?
I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s great to be in this place (even if it’s “again”), and I feel that all those times were to prepare and help us grow to become the people we are today. I feel much more secure in who I am as a person and parent, much more comfortable sharing my life with my family, and much happier in my life in general. And I know that this change in perspective and mindset wouldn’t have happened this quickly or profoundly if it wasn’t for us going through the scary and stressful experiences that we did.
But it truly is a challenge to voyage into this unknown space and not get overwhelmed.
It’s easy to go too fast, wrapped up in the excitement of everything and not notice the negative feelings creeping up until it all comes rushing in at once. It’s also easy to not want to share what I’m doing, for fear of being too open and being on the receiving end of unwanted sympathy if things go south. And of course, there’s always the ever-present thought: is it too soon? I mean, 7 months is, after all, 7 months (although by the time this is all said and done it will have been longer).
What I’m learning though is that it actually is ok to plan. It’s ok to daydream, add to that Pinterest board, look into venues and book a date, and everything else that feels right.
Because that’s the thing that I notice is different this time: it feels right.
When I manage to get my fears and anxieties of the past settled and acknowledged, I discover that it feels comfortable. Not only that, but everything is falling into place. Somehow almost everything fell into my lap it seems, from the venue to the seamstress to the connections to vendors and helping hands. And those that haven’t yet I know will at some point get fitted into the plans, and I trust that it will happen when it’s time. As I look back at everything, even all of the events and situations before the talk of weddings, it seems that it all really did fall into place and happen just the way that it should.
So here I am, doing my best to sit back, let things run its course, and plan accordingly.
And I gotta admit, it is pretty nice to have everyone just as excited as I am.